fractured

...speaking of my eyes wandering, i find that my eyes observe everything around me but i don't know why i do it but i think it has something to do with how i perceive my self and those around me because i am always subconsciously looking for ways in which others are stranger than me like today when a friend pointed out something strange to me and i was wondering whether most people would put pictures of them in swim wear on their bags and my mind responded with a resounded no and partially because i hadn't put any such things on my own bag but all things considered my own bag isn't exactly normal since it has a hole on the top from excessive usage, a plastic bag of some photos, a notebook, an extra set of clothes and a bottle of pills from an undetermined origin which i was told to consume by my parents but i have no idea what it is for and whenever i do consume them i feel weird and i keep thinking of reasons as to why i am taking these pills which make me feel funny and sometimes i get the feeling that something is wrong with me inside but i don't know what especially when everything seems so normal to me but maybe its just that people cannot accept my way of thinking and doing things which seem so much different from others but this makes me wonder whether is all right to be different i asked my parents i only got an answer that completely baffled me and went something along the lines of fractured but i don't feel any broken bones and i suspect that it had something to do with the voices that i hear in my mind every now and then and i asked my parents what those people, they did not give a clear answer and constantly evaded the question which set me thinking, why don't people talk clearly at all, since most people i meet have this strange way of twisting their words and in fact, few people i have ever met are actually straight forward and it seems that most people try to manipulate others for their own benefit and i think that is what is happening to me because others see me to be different and they try to use me but i think i'm quite a good manipulator because the voices in my head tell me things and they tell what i should do but its just that i never had a concrete or evil plan to work towards by manipulating others since i cant bring myself to do that but i know that i am a good manipulator since the methods i use actually work but there always is a chance for it to backfire horribly leaving others even more disappointed and angry at me than they already are but the thing is, i rarely manipulate people because as i've said before, i don't like it and i only do it when absolutely necessary but the thing is, most people dont actually know that they are being manipulated, in fact, nobody knows and that is good for me and i keep thinking at night about a time when i'd get caught in the act, speaking of which yesterday night while trying to sleep i kept thinking about times when people back stabbed be to such an extent that it hurt very badly and made me so sad, resulting in many sleepless nights where i spent crying, leaving me very hateful of such people, so much so that i actually want revenge but i can never bring myself to deal it out even though the voices tell me to but my parents told me that revenge is never good since there might be many reasons for the said persons to behave as they did and i best way for things to go on is to forgive the said persons and watch out for such treacherous behaviour in the future even if those voices protest but i try not to listen to them during such times but i think it is all right to continue trusting the person if you deem it to be possible but i think there are people who know my vulnerabilities and constantly try to hurt me or to take advantage of me but i don't really care much about this since life it too short to hold grudges and life is too short to worry about the meaningless things in life instead of the more meaningful things like the time i had this friend whom i really liked but something went wrong because of either something i did or my friend did but anyway, everything fell apart and i spent many nights awake trying to figure out what to do but the voices would not respond and i tried to find someone to blame but i could not and eventually, i decided to leave it at that though even today i keep thinking about her but what made me angry was that when i tried to talk to my parents about this i was shunned and scolded, leaving me even more hurt than i was and i tried to calm myself by taking long walks and stopping every now and then to look at things for a long time before continuing on but even this resulted in hostile reactions from others and that left me deeply confused since i did not know what to do and it seemed that nobody wanted to see me happy and i started listening more to the voices in my head as they suggested ideas as to what i should and they told me many wild plans and ideas but i chose to do the safest one of them all and so, i decided to run away with my favourite bag and some very important belongings of mine and searched for a place where i could be happy and i could listen to the voices and be different as much as i wanted to be since i was very unhappy but as i continued walking, i started to feel free and i stopped taking those pills ever since i left but i still keep a bottle with me to remind me why i was doing what i was doing but ever since i stopped taking them, the voices are becoming increasingly frequent as they guide through the places i walk through and they tell me where to go and who to help so as to get enough money to buy food and sometimes they tell me to do very scary things and i find myself being less and less able to resist them and every time i do they tell me that it is for my own good and i must listen to them which i do but it leaves me very guilty later and soon after, i do things that i do not remember afterwards and sometimes i wake up and i find that i had done something horrible and because of this i hide away from everyone and only approach those that look like i can trust but not everyone is as trustable as they appear and i have had many a close shave but i manage to stay away but sometimes, i wish i could find a place to live in the mountains away from everyone and i decide that thats where i would go but the voices keep diverting me and i find myself struggling for control and i try to find many things to do that will keep my mind off the voices that now constantly ring in my head and everytime they suggest something that i don't want to do i try to find a way to ease my mind by talking to myself writing random things on pieces of paper before tearing them up, doodling on my notebook, thinking of her while looking at a photo i managed to obtain or by letting my eyes wander in order to observe everything around me in order to maintain a constant train of thought that will block out any interference by the voices and speaking of my eyes wandering...